


One Last Dream

by Bethadots



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Death of Clan Lavellan, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 02:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5073538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bethadots/pseuds/Bethadots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just as the final battle with Corypheus approaches, Inquisitor Lavellan receives devastating news about the fate of her clan and disappears from Skyhold. Now it's up to the man who broke her heart to find her and bring her back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Something was amiss in Skyhold.

Solas had first noticed when Josephine had rushed through the base of the rotunda on her way to see Leliana. The colour was drained from the ambassador's cheeks and her hands were shaking, causing a piece of paper to rustle in her grasp with every step.

A letter with bad news then, he surmised.

When the spymaster and ambassador passed him again on their way to Cullen's office, his suspicions were confirmed. And when all three advisors came by once more on their way to the war room, Solas realized it was worse than he'd first thought.

"Are you certain she should hear it from the three of us?" Cullen was asking, the lines of his forehead deepening with the furrow of his brow. "Surely there is someone who could make the blow less…"

As Cullen tried to find the end of that sentence, Solas saw Leliana look  _his_ way, wearing almost an accusing expression. "No. This is  _our_  duty," she said firmly. Her tone managed to imply that they shouldn't even be discussing the matter out in the open, or seemed to at least judging by the way Cullen fell silent after that. Josephine simply sighed, shook her head and quietly begged Andraste to save them as she walked past.

Solas was curious about the matter of course, concerned even, but knew he would find out in time. Usually, once all the arguing over the proper course of action was finished, he would be called upon by Mai-  _Inquisitor Lavellan_. It stung to force himself to refer to her by her title, but he'd given up the right to call her Mairenn, or as he had always preferred,  _vhenan._

Once the three advisors rounded the corner into the throne room, he pushed the matter from his mind entirely and returned to considering how to fill the final panel of the rotunda's fresca, not giving the moment a second thought until the following day.

Late in the evening, when all was quiet and even the library was mostly empty, a fluttering piece of paper caught his eye as it drifted to the floor. He glanced up just in time to see the spymaster's cape as she slipped past him, moving up the stairs towards her rookery.

Leliana was not a woman who did anything by accident, he reminded himself as he went to pick it up. This was something she  _wanted_ him to see, and it didn't take him long to understand why. In fact, he recognized the handwriting the moment he laid eyes on it.

 

_Leliana,_

_My clan are dead because of a decision I made. I need to put them to rest. I'd take it as a kindness if you didn't have me followed._

_Mairenn._

 

Solas bowed his head and closed his eyes, wishing more than anything he could have spared the woman he loved such hurt, especially on top of that which he had already inflicted.

The terseness of the note spoke volumes of her pain. Inquisitor Lavellan was now notorious across the south of Thedas for her long missives, ones that mixed well-meaning personal questions and well wishes in with Inquisition business. She struggled to think of  _business_ and  _personal_ as two separate aspects of her life, given that there had been no such separation for the members of her clan. It was something he'd always found quite endearing, though he was certain it brought plenty of extra work for Josephine.

He folded the note in half and set it down on his desk, pondering what could be done. He couldn't imagine the spymaster had shared this information with him simply because she thought he ought to know. Perhaps Mairenn had spoken of their long walks in the Fade together, and perhaps Leliana had decided that checking on the Inquisitor through her dreams did not count as having her followed.

Before the Temple of Mythal, he would have rushed to her side without hesitation, offering whatever support he could. But now… It was hard to know if she would even want to see him. He swallowed harshly and considered his options, knowing only that doing nothing was not a choice he could make.

* * *

_From First to last._ A thought that brought unspeakable sorrow.

Mairenn had spent hours wandering a snowy forest somewhere to the north of whatever was left of Haven. Gathering the acorns she needed had taken hours, and she needed far,  _far_  too many. With every step since Skyhold, she'd recited the names to herself, ensuring no one went forgotten. There would be no bodies to return to the soil, and the lonely hillside she had chosen was far from the land they used to wander, but it was all she could think to do to mark the passing of her clan.

She used her magic to warm the soil before planting the acorns one by one, the melted snow leaving the earth damp and ready. She gently urged them to grow using the magic that Keeper Deshanna had taught her, coaxing roots to spread beneath the earth and little saplings to begin to sprout.

There had been no call to use such magic since leaving for the conclave, save for the rare occasions at Skyhold when things were quiet and she had some time to help the herbs in the garden to grow. Her mana had been saved for fighting, and for protecting those who fought beside her, but she had never let herself forget the magic that was passed from a Keeper to her First.

Working tirelessly, she stayed with the circle of saplings for two days straight, protecting them from the threat of frost and snow, singing for the lost and praying to Falon'din to guide them as she wove their branches together, linking the empty graves of clan Lavellan in a memorial that would stand for Ages.

The work helped her to hold herself together when every piece of her wanted to fall apart. It helped her to ignore, for the moment, the fact that she no longer knew who to fight for, the fact that she wasn't sure how to carry on. It was certainly better than wandering aimlessly through Skyhold, putting all of her energy into showing a brave face for fear of letting anyone see an Inquisitor who couldn't be strong.  _That_ had barely worked when Solas had ended things, and she didn't have it in her to do it again.

By the time she collapsed from exhaustion beside the small fire pit she'd built in the center of the circle, the oaks matched her in height and were certainly established enough to stand alone against the harsh Fereldan winter.

There was still work to do. She would carve the names of each of the fallen into their tree. Each required a staff of oak to to keep them from faltering along the path to the Beyond, and a branch of cedar to scatter Dirthamen's ravens, as was their tradition.

For now though, her body had nothing left to give. There was nothing she could do but sleep.

* * *

As often as they had walked together in the Fade in recent months, it didn't take Solas long to find Mairenn there. In the past, however, their shared dreams had taken place in memories they shared. Places where both of them were comfortable.

They'd meandered through the trunks of lofty oaks in the Emerald Graves, discussing elven lore and the beliefs and traditions of her clan. They'd waded barefoot through the clear pool beneath the waterfall at the Forbidden Oasis, speaking of magic; beginning with a practical discussion of personal technique, but soon finding themselves laughing at anecdotes of spells gone awry. They'd lain on the sands of the Hissing Wastes in companionable silence, watching an endless sky sparkle with stars… and somehow ended up lost in each other's eyes instead. And they'd done it all without ever leaving the relative safety of their beds in Skyhold.

This place though? This was unfamiliar to Solas. This was a memory he didn't share.

The aravels and the presence of the halla made it easy to recognize that he was in a Dalish camp. More specifically, he strongly suspected, it was Clan Lavellan's camp. Only none of the Dalish were present. There was nobody, in point of fact, save for one elf sitting on a log, alone by a large fire pit, an absent smile on her face as she stared into the flames.

Mairenn's vallaslin was back; that was the first thing he noticed as he moved closer. It was strange how quickly he'd gotten used to seeing her without the markings on her forehead. But this was her dream, this was how Mairenn supposed she ought to look, and so here, the vallaslin remained. Perhaps it always would.

Her smile widened as she saw him approach, and she patted the spot beside him to invite him to sit, which he did.

"You're really here," she said, just a hint of excitement in her voice. It was a cheerful, almost carefree tone that he realized he hadn't heard in weeks. So often when she spoke in the waking world now, it was with the weight of everyone's hopes on her tiny shoulders. "I didn't think you would come."

His face softened as it dawned on him that she wasn't aware of where they really were. The greeting wouldn't have had nearly such warmth if she had. She was guarded when he saw her now in the waking world, hiding every emotion and letting him see her only as Inquisitor Lavellan. Just as he had intended, though that didn't make it hurt any less. Here, in this place... she had let herself forget for the moment. It was impossible not to wish he could do the same.

"I... could not stay away," he answered carefully. It was the truth, but only as much of it as she needed to hear.

"The hunters will come back soon. Then we'll all eat together. It's going to be very busy and everyone's going to be curious about you, just a warning." She kept her eyes on the fire as she spoke, an almost shy smile on her lips as she used her magic to stoke the flames. "We've taken in runaways from the alienages before, but nobody has ever brought an outsider they...  _care for_  to meet Keeper Deshanna."

It was worse than he'd first feared. The realization brought an odd ache to his chest. This dream wasn't simply a safe place that Mairenn had retreated to. It was a future she had hoped for. It was a future where Corypheus was behind them, where they had gone north together so that Solas could meet her clan. It was an imagined future that had never had a hope of becoming reality, though he hadn't let her see that until recently.

Knowing that he needed to be gentle, he reached out to take her left hand in his, and turned it over so that she could see her palm. It was bare, unmarked, no sign of the anchor.  _Another impossible hope for the future_ , a bitter voice within taunted.

"I imagine," he said softly, "that nobody has returned to the fold with such a mark on their palm either."

For a moment she looked confused, before an abrupt flash of green burst from her hand as she remembered what was missing.

"No. I… I suppose not." There was a lingering green glow even after she balled her hand into a fist, and she looked around them as if searching for a quick change of subject. Abruptly, she rose to her feet and held her other hand out to him. "Come on, I have to show you one of the aravels. They're quite cozy on the inside."

He let her pull him up, but dug his heels into the ground to stop her from leading him away.

" _Vhenan,"_ he urged softly, pressing a hand to her cheek. The touch made his skin tingle. Even now, he felt that dangerous temptation to give up on his goals and simply lose himself in  _her._ "Look around you. Something important is missing, is it not?"

Her green eyes twinkled as she looked up at him, that shy smile returning to her face as her hand settled atop his. "How could it be? You're here now."

He winced and drew in a ragged breath, feeling the now familiar stab of guilt in his chest. It took him a moment to reach the point where he felt he could speak without his voice cracking. He pressed a kiss to Mairenn's forehead, then stepped back, his hand falling away from her face.

He watched her closely as she looked to their surroundings. It was clear the exact moment that everything came rushing back to her. The colour drained from her cheeks and her eyes widened in horror. He had never expected to see a more pained expression than the one that had crossed her face when he'd pushed her away, but this was far worse. The loss of her clan had struck her to the very core, and for a moment he swore he could feel that pain as well.

"They're all…  _gone,_ " she realized in a breathless whimper.

" _Vhenan,_ tell me where you are. I will find you," he urged, realizing the shock was about to wake her from the dream.

"I… left Skyhold. Went north. I can't… I… I'm alone." Her breath became panicked as her eyes filled with tears. The sight was unbearable. "Everyone's left me," she gasped. It was the last thing she said before she vanished, her dream disappearing with her.

Solas tipped his head back and sighed before forcing himself to wake as well.  _North_ wasn't much to go on, but it was something, at least.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun was low in the sky, the shadows long through trees that were now twice Mairenn's height by the time she felt Solas draw near.  _Felt_ was the right word for it. There was something about his presence, something about the way his magic connected him to the Fade that she had become attuned to, at least enough that she became aware when he was close. Once she'd thought that was the way of things when two mages fell in love, but lately she thought perhaps it was more to do with how frequently Solas wandered the Fade.

"You're really here," she said as she heard his footsteps draw to a halt beside where she sat, unable to look up from the flames of her campfire as she greeted him. "I didn't think you would come."

He paused, then echoed the response he'd given her in the Fade with a weak smile. "I could not stay away."

Being together in the waking world had never been quite so effortless for them as walking together in dreams, but now it felt worse than before. He was too intelligent not to have seen her dream for what it was; her hopes for the future. Mairenn's soul had been laid bare before him, yet she still had no idea what she had done to make him push her away.

Her tone was bitter as she gestured to the circle of trees she had worked so tirelessly to create. "You're probably here to tell me how all of this is something else my people got wrong, I suppose."

Solas didn't answer at first, and she glanced up to see him bowing his head, muttering words in elvish under his breath. She couldn't catch them all, but what she could hear sounded close to a prayer for the dead that her own clan would often recite for the lost.

When he was finished, he lifted his chin to meet her gaze. "No. It is beautiful," he assured her in a gentle voice that made her want to rush to him, to wrap her arms around him and bury her face against his shoulder. For whatever reason, he couldn't be that for her anymore, and she cursed herself for needing it so badly.

He moved to sit beside her, and for a while, neither one spoke. The silence seemed to last for hours, until eventually Mairenn began to suspect that he was waiting for her to speak.

"It was my fault. My decision." She had to pause to take a deep breath or she would have broken right there. She refused to let Solas see that. "I thought things in Wycome could be resolved peacefully. I didn't want to send the soldiers. I was supposed to become their Keeper someday and I killed them all before I ever had the chance." She glanced down to where her hands rested in her lap and realized that they were trembling violently.

"You could have sent in the Inquisition soldiers and lost them as well," he pointed out. "Sometimes there are no right answers. We will never know if you could have saved them."

Mairenn swallowed back a lump in her throat and forced her breath to remain steady as she answered, "Nor will I ever forgive myself."

"That is likely true," he admitted sadly. "Still, If Keeper Deshanna was as wise as the woman you described to me, she would not wish you to blame yourself."

"I know," she sighed. "It isn't just the blame it's… I need to be away. I can't be seen to be broken. No one can see me like this. Least of all you."

"Why me?"

 _You know why,_ she thought, but didn't say it aloud. "Harden your heart to a cutting edge, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus." Words she still felt bruised by. "That's what they need from me. How can I lead them if they see that I'm broken?"

"You have already led them," Solas insisted almost fiercely. "You have foiled Corypheus at every opportunity, and those who follow you know that you will defeat him this one final time. This tragedy changes nothing, save that those who care for you will fight him all the more fiercely in its wake."

He sighed heavily before continuing. "Still… What I said before was unkind, but not wrong. You... are a person who cares  _deeply._ I have always seen that in you. To put your feelings aside is against your very nature, I know. But there will be time to mourn later, and our final battle with Corypheus is approaching  _now._ Broken or not, you cannot lead them to victory if the battle happens without you."

Her head tilted to one side as the voices began to whisper in her ear for the first time since leaving Skyhold. She was dimly aware of Solas' eyes narrowing slightly as it happened; he hadn't approved of her drinking from the Well of Sorrows, after all.

The message was a reminder of what she had already been told; that she had the time. That it was right to put her clan to rest properly.

Solas raised an eyebrow. "Or have you received information to the contrary?"

"There is time. This is important," she said as firmly as she could manage. She expected him to scoff and dismiss that, but he didn't. "Was that the only reason you came here? To drag me back to Skyhold before Corypheus strikes?"

"No." Solas sighed. For a moment his hand seemed to hover, as if he was considering placing it on her shoulder and giving a reassuring squeeze. He didn't though. "I came because you said you are alone."

Mairenn closed her eyes, recalling what she'd seen when they'd been physically trapped in the Fade with the Nightmare. That odd little graveyard where every tombstone was inscribed with their greatest fears.  _Dying alone,_ Solas' had said. For a moment, she was touched, but her thoughts quickly turned to anger.

"That was true even before my clan were lost." Solas opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "Do you really think I could have gone back to my people? Being named the Herald of Andraste, having this… this  _thing_ on my hand. That would have been hard enough for them to accept. But this?" She gestured to her bare face. "They would have assumed I had turned my back on our ways."

In a way, she had. She recalled that moment. That terrifying moment when she had agreed to have her vallaslin removed, even knowing what it would mean to her clan, even knowing it might mean she could never return. She had opened her heart in that moment, she had let herself fall in love with him completely, knowing a part of her soul would always belong to him from then on. It had been a terrifying leap of faith on her part, and Solas had not caught her.

The memory of it made her eyes sting with tears that she hadn't wanted him to see. "I'm alone because of you."

She could feel how deeply those words cut him just by looking at the pained expression on his face. "I know,  _vhenan,"_ he said quietly. "You deserve far better."

Her voice was more angry, more bitter than she'd ever heard it sound before as she snapped out her response. "What I deserve doesn't really matter, does it? You're still not going to explain  _why."_ Before she had simply begged him to stay. Her body shook as she let him see the darker emotions that had taken hold in the wake of his betrayal.

"I don't know how to carry on, Solas," she admitted in a broken voice.

When she felt the warmth of his arms envelop her, she could scarcely believe it. His lips pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, and heard him let out a soft shushing sound as he began to rock her gently.

The comfort made the tears come in earnest, made her feel every emotion she had pushed aside in her attempts to show the Inquisition a strong and brave leader. All that she'd lost, all the things that should have killed her but hadn't, every decision she had made that led to people hurt and lives lost crashed into her like a great wave. The person holding her was the only thing that kept her from being swept away completely.

He didn't let her go, even when the tears subsided and all fell quiet.

For a while, Mairenn lay completely still in the warmth of his arms, exhausted but afraid to go to sleep in case it was the last time he would ever hold her.

When sleep did eventually claim her, she found herself in the Fade, with Solas standing before her, a knowing smile on his face. Now they were in a forest  _she_  didn't recognize. It was autumn, by the looks of things. Leaves of crimson and burnt orange raining from the treetops and coating the ground below. This was somewhere  _he_  remembered, and it was beautiful.

"Would you care to walk for a while?" He offered her his arm. "I would be honoured if you would share some stories of your clan."

A wan smile touched her lips as she realized that it was exactly what she needed to do. It took her a while to decide where to begin. "Did I ever tell you the story of when my Aunt Eyra accidentally slipped the Hahren a sleeping draught?"

"How does one  _accidentally_ do such a thing?" he asked with a raise of one eyebrow.

Mairenn let out a fond chuckle, remembering Eyra's slightly-too-firm hugs and the way she always smelled like elfroot. "My aunt was the healer. She wasn't a mage, but she could mix remedies for anything without even checking her notes. A pinch of one herb, some of the root of another. Her eyesight though left a lot to be desired though, and as she got older, she got worse and worse at being able to read her own labels…" It surprised her how soothing to speak of those she would never see again.

Solas let out a chuckle as he realized where the story was going, but Mairenn still continued to the part where the Hahren had fallen asleep while telling the children one of his stories, which had led to some rather imaginative pranks being played on the poor man.

Things were easier in the Fade for both of them, they always had been, and now was no exception. They walked together until the morning came, with Mairenn sharing the dearest memories of her clan and Solas offering comfort whenever those memories became too much.

It was temporary, only for while she needed it. She understood that. In the morning, she would be the Inquisitor again. He would go back to pretending for all the world that there had never been anything between them, back to denying that he loved her even though she knew in her very soul that he did. She was more sure than ever now that he had come to find her.

Perhaps when all of this is over, perhaps when their battle was behind them, perhaps then he would tell her. Perhaps then they would be together.

Even in her darkest hour, she still had to hope it could be so.


End file.
